I spent the entire night tossing to and fro imagining all of the mold I was inhaling, and plotting lucrative revenge fantasies involving Pac Heights mansions and haughty legal conversations. I guess our landlord was feeling the hate vibes upstairs in his palatial 3-story Victorian with all of his fancy light and air, because he […]

Before you read this, I beg that you please not lose your good opinion of me as a decent, God-fearing person who recycles and uses soap and wears clean socks and is generally very sanitary. Because THIS. IS. NOT. MY. FAULT.

My bedroom carpet is growing a plant. A FREAKING PLANT, PEOPLE!
I discovered it this morning, […]

We have waited and waited, all but tattooing calendars on our arms for the countdown to your new season of Burn Notice. I have watched all of your old episodes at least twice. I have touted your show to the heavens, dragging unsuspecting friends over to watch DVRed episodes over cheap Indian takeout. We were […]

What, you think he loves you more? He’s never even met you, you deluded strumpet! You’re wrong and I can prove it. Behold, my supper!

Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it buttery, pumpkiny perfection? Isn’t it all you ever wanted in this life and maybe the next?
Simons doesn’t even like pumpkin that much, but I’ve been on […]

Bacon Quiche is awesome, but it may not be worth the 45 marathons I will have to run to shed it from my enormous thighs. Still, it didn’t stop Simons and me from eating the entire thing. Moo.
Bacon Quiche (with some help from Julia Child)
6 slices of bacon, cooked and drained
4 eggs
half and half
1/2 c […]

All week day I have been procrastinating writing my Indian Invasion of Alcatraz article, which I find extremely interesting but am having trouble dancing around the sentimentality. I keep typing one sentence, glaring at it, deleting it letter by letter, and then staring at the screen biting my nails. And then sorting my socks, peeling […]

My dermatologist handed me a pamphlet on Botox today. This after she burned off the world’s most tenacious plantar’s wart on my foot. Whatever part of my soul that was still wearing pigtails and skipping to Easter egg hunts just turned up her Mary Jane’s, withered and died. I am a hideous beast.

At least Simons […]

I’m still working on my New Years Resolutions 2009, but they’re awfully complicated this year. It’ll probably take me until May and then there won’t be enough time to achieve unholy perfection and personal nirvana. Alas, I shall end up a fat, grizzled swear-monkey like always.
It hasn’t helped that I’ve been terribly busy eating Tootsie […]

I meant to post a big Christmas story, but first I was sick (like too sick to even knit, read or watch TV) and then Simons was sick, and then I brained myself while skiing, and then for New Years, Beulah ate about a bucket of sand and now she’s sick too. What a charming […]