I’m writing this from my kitchen, standing over a future pot of French onion soup. My eyeballs look like two pissholes in the snow. Moose is in the kitchen, or was, and graciously took a turn going blind/slicing onions. They must have been grown in San Francisco, because they were extra weepy and aggressively vitriolic. […]

First the FDA ruined it by approving something, which means my editor sent me a 6 a.m. email saying I would have to work late. It’s a painful thing to have someone crap on your day when the sun hasn’t even come out yet.
And then there was smelly holdover from yesterday when I went to […]

In 1989, my hometown of Charleston, South Carolina suffered a tremendous natural disaster when Hurricane Hugo hit. I was 12, and even as young as I was, I’d already been through a couple of major storms and thought it was a great excuse to get out of school. Charlestonians get excited about adversity. We name […]

Every once in a while, it’s important to have a San Francisco Weekend, even if it means leaving your house in a state of intense squalor and ignoring your mounting inbox/toxic grout. In this city, when it’s warm out, you’d best go enjoy it, because it won’t last.

Drank at Liverpool Lil’s, capitol of […]

<a href=”http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/208fee5e58″>Selfish Jean interpreted by Demetri Martin</a> on <a href=”http://www.funnyordie.com/”>FunnyOrDie.com</a>

Oh my Christ. Was strolling around the new hood and found the Blue Bottle Coffee, which I’d forgotten about because it’s all hidey-secret down a back alley, and now I can’t feel my cheeks, and my nostrils are all big, and my hair is so movey, and oh, sweet fancy jebus, I think I’ve done […]

Everyone knows how much trouble I’ve had with driving related issues lately. There was this $500 debacle here when we first moved. And then here when the car got towed thanks to my failure to only read 9 out of 10 signs on that particular Sacramento St phone pole. And then most recently, there was […]

So we’re all nestled into our cave. The dark, cold, cat-smelling cave. The cave with the brown carpeting that has sucked out my soul. The cave of boxes and crap that doesn’t fit anywhere, because we have ONE closet.
Ahhhh…home shit home.
And the moving, it was terrible. We ran out of boxes and ended up having […]